I don't moan, really I don't and I not a QM2 style whinger but here are my impressions of Boudicca.BOUDICCA VOYAGE REPORT
About Me
I was fifty two weeks ago. I have sailed on over 150 cruises before, including six Maiden or Inaugural Trips (including Aurora’s disastrous Maiden Voyage).
Boudicca was my fortieth ship. I have never asked for my money back before.
Embarkation
On arrival at the lavishly decorated terminal, I was told I had to collect my tickets. There was none, nor any records of my joining the ship. Two very nice Dover Harbour Board ladies took care of my luggage and I went to the check-in desk where I presented my booking reference and referred to Nigel Lingard as I had been instructed to by Edwina my travel agent. Blank looks all around but eventually I was told to board without a card and ask for NormaNn Malan the Reception manager. When I got to the gangway I had another argument before being allowed on to the ship. Going straight to reception I was greeted by a queue of 200 people – Boudicca’s key card system had crashed.
I queued then asked for Norman. I was told to take a seat. Forty minutes later I saw someone I assumed to be Norman effusively kissing returning guests and chatting to them. I asked if he was indeed Norman and he said “Yes, give me your passport and take a seat”. After twenty minutes I asked for Norman again and the girl on reception said “Get to the back of the Queue” – I refused to do so. Ten minutes later, Norman came back with a key. I was left to find my own cabin. The key didn’t work. Back to reception – twenty minutes wait then a reception girl arrived to find a skeleton key to let me in. Didn’t work – and the cabin steward told me that I couldn’t have that cabin in any case as it had been given to a band member. Back to reception, where I was incandescent with rage. Luckily, Linda the Future Sales Consultant overheard me and with infinite tact and patience took me to the Secret Garden, bought me a drink (I couldn’t buy my own as I had no Card) and left me there whilst she sorted things out. This was the first time in over three hours that any member of staff had been polite, helpful or practical. Thirty minutes and one more wrong key and I reached the cabin. Not a great start.
The Cabin and Cabin Service
My cabin 4060 was originally listed on the deckplans as a twin.
It is probably the third worst cabin I have had in over 150 rooms on different ships.
The carpets was soiled and marked. There was a defective light-fitting hanging out of the ceiling. There was one 15-inch wardrobe with one hanging rail. There was a small cubby-hole/shelf next to the bed and a shelf under the dressing table mirror (so small that Maria, my cabin stewardess suggested removing the tea and coffee making tray to give me some room).
There was no drawer space whatsoever and anyone in the room for the full cruise would have had to move. The air-conditioning was temperamental too. The television received BBC New 24 and some sporadic films – as there was no film guide this was a pretty useless feature.
I received several souvenirs after my turn down too – dirty glasses and rubber gloves left in situ in the room.
Public Rooms and Décor
The Observatory is rather characterless and on the blank wall at the top of the stairs outside the room I can only assume that a large painting is to be hung on the vast expanse of blank wall.
The carpets throughout the ship are very attractive and elegant as is much of the unusual furniture. The artwork is eclectic, varying from the bland to a horribly grotesque portrait of Nelson looking like a demented Eddie Izzard.
In my humble opinion, a lighter and more nautical look would have suited the Lido Lounge a lot more particularly considering its extended daytime usage.
There were lights not working throughout the public areas and odd flexes protruding from bulkheads everywhere.
The Internet Lounge was not connected and never worked during my time on the ship. There was at no time anywhere – on the door, at reception, in the ship’s paper – any explanation ofor or apology about this.
No permanent signage on Ladies or Gents and, rather cheaply, a lot of the ex-Grand Latino signage in Spanish in all cabins and showers and on staircase C where it still directs you to the old Spanish Public Rooms!
There are not enough Public Rooms when the ship is full. The loss of the nightclub lounge and the upping of passenger numbers leaves the ship feeling crowded, particularly on sea days when passengers are all inside.
Dining
The over complicated system of Two Sittings, Open on port days and assigned seatings on sea days was never policed.
The use of disinfectant hand-foam was sporadic to say the least – sometimes you got sprayed and sometimes you didn’t.
The Maitre d and Section Waiters were conspicuous by their absence so that one of my favourite sights was a gaggle of Filipino and Thai stewards jabbering and shrugging as they tried to work out which food went where.
Things improved only marginally from the marathon two and a half hours that dinner on the first night took.
Breakfast is a nightmare. You have to queue (fight your way round) the stupid circular buffet for juice and cereal.
Waiters take your order for hot food – mine was never once either correct or hot for four days and I was told that Black Pudding was off. The man next to me had a fantastic conversation for ten minutes explaining to his Indonesian steward what “kippers” were. However, at least at breakfast one could get a cup of coffee: your policy of not serving coffee after lunch and dinner at the table after meals is a disgrace.
Menus for lunch and dinner were average: though the frequent choice of starters like “salad” or “smoked salmon” can hardly have had the chefs breaking into a sweat.
Tommy, the Executive Chef, should go back to school. Who puts risotto and macaroni cheese on the same menu? Or serves curry with a heap of peas and carrots? Or peas with shredded lettuce and packet ham? Or makes Scotch Eggs with a “spicy lamb coating” to use up the previous night’s Curry? Or serves afternoon tea without a sandwich or scone in sight? Or stops room-service food and sandwiches at 11.00pm? Or even dares to give a culinary demonstration when the galley is incapable of making toast?
Wine service was equally erratic. I ordered my half-bottle of Chablis for dinner from the sommelier at lunchtime. Thirty minutes into dinner, another grinning sommelier asked what wine I would like and I replied through gritted teeth “the one I ordered at lunch time”. It arrived during dessert.
The staff were awfully friendly – in at least two cases the stewards seemed determined at all costs to the guests regardless of being surrounded by other passengers with no food, or sitting at a table piled high with dirty dishes. And while the staff have been instructed to chirrup “enjoy your….” as they serve you, no-one ever asks if anything was wrong when you leave a plate of food.
The Maitre d was utterly useless. He should be trained or fired.
Open Deck Space
I was looking forward to the ship’s expansive open decks as I love this design of ship. How wrong again. On embarkation, there was a skip of rubbish by the pool and for three days all the new deck furniture and plastic topiary for the deck was not put out until Tuesday afternoon. Add to this the cartons of filth in the buffet area and the netted over swimming pools and this was not a pleasant area.
One deck up, the Promenade Deck was also devoid of furniture for three days even down to the sheltered terrace aft of the Lido Lounge.
On all the other stairways were signs “This Area Temporarily Closed” This was because these areas were unfinished and filthy. In particular the Marquee Bar looks like it needs to be ripped out and completely redone – unless the decorative scheme is intended to be distressed rust.
Upper Decks were still sealed off when I disembarked on Wednesday.
Activities
Activities fell into two camps: the lectures by Sir Bernard Ingham and the other speakers, which were packed, informative and excellent, and the activities organised by the cruise staff, which were poorly run, common and were more suitable for Pontins than an upmarket cruise.
One fondly imagines that there must be quite a lot of applicants for Cruise Staff positions with Olsen, but this clearly cannot be the case: otherwise why on earth would you employ people like Gary The Cruise Director, Ashley on the Cruise staff or the nameless Chinese or Malaysian Girl?
Gary swans around the ship as if to allow the ugly guests a chance to admire his profile. Apart from introducing the shows, the only other time I saw him round the ship was chatting with passengers saying (and I quote) “Well, we really oughtn’t to have bought her out of dry-dock yet” and “the contractors on this job were lousy – no wonder it’s all such a shambles”. What a diplomat.
Ashley, who is as camp as a retired drag queen, ran Countdown (I use the verb ran loosely) and between offering us a choice of vowels and “constants” kept alerting us to the fact that the numbers game would be dreadful as he was “pig-thick”. How very nice for both him and the guests.
The Chinese hostess did the Quiz one night and started by apologising for the strong smell in the room. “Is,” she explained “Me, new carpets, new shoes – have to take off and have big smelly feet!”. What a delightful ambience for your after dinner cognac.
Entertainment
The comedian Barnaby was quite superb.
The singer with the band had the tone and range of Maria Pracatan.
The production shows were interesting. They were like scaled down versions of all the pap you get on big ships, with worse scenery, more effeminate male singers and worse choreography. I have a really good idea for Fred Olsen that could completely transform your entertainment and make you genuinely unique in cruising.
Fellow Passengers
Where would you be without them? These loyal souls who don’ know any better, who prefer to whisper complaints to one another in secluded corners, who grew up with the Dunkirk spirit and apply it so much on board, who don’t ever eat in fine restaurants and therefore rate your food – these people are keeping you going.
How sad that they are literally a dying breed. And what will happen when you are forced to accommodate and pursue guests who have tasted Gordon Ramsay’s food, know about wine, like sushi and expect sophisticated entertainment. Now that is the question.
The Crew
The Captain is magnificent.
The Bureau Staff are insolent, grumpy and unhelpful (perhaps because of their late-night croupier duties?)
The crew should stop telling all the guests that Black Watch is so much better.
Linda, the Future Sales Consultant is easily the most professional and diplomatic person on board – she should receive a bonus.
Overall
A pretty and beautifully decorated and equipped ship completely ruined by dreadful cold food,
Banal entertainment, the rudest reception staff at sea, irritating cutbacks and a state of almost complete unpreparedness for a full-fare inaugural voyage